Learning is Wonderful

I have had the opportunity of growing up theses last 18 months of my life.  I have been away from home and have to say it has been a roller coaster of learning.  I encourage high school graduates to live away from home for awhile.  Not only do I encourage it, but I sort of insist on it.  Living at home is a wonderful thing in which we learn a lot from family.  Although I think living away from home teaches you various things, but most importantly how other people were raised and that they way you were raised may be good for your family but maybe their is a better or different way for your future family.

Having roommates, boyfriends, friends, people I didn't click off the bat with helped me soak up information about life and what I truly want.  For the past 18 months I have formed opinions about life that I personally want to have and not what people want me to have.  It has been a totally life changing experience and I thank Mark for that.  He showed me a different way to live, not "worse" or "better"  than how I was living just another way.   He also taught me to not let people tell me what I should think or feel and to form my own strong opinion. When we had discussions about this, it was like he was speaking such a different language to me, I was shocked.  I had been told my whole life it seemed to think this one specific way and that besides that I shouldn't think. (Not the directly, but indirectly yes)  It was hard to say the least to have a total paradigm shift! I am still learning when to use my voice/opinions and not to.  But as I have been hanging around with my family and various people, I have come to realize they respect me more and like to hear what I have to say.  That is because I have an opinion on it, and am not just saying random things.   They actually want to know what is going on in my head and appreciate what I say and give them something else to think about.  They are coming to me for advice!  It is very interesting how something I was terrified of, it so wonderful if used right.

I also have been realizing to make my own decisions for me, to make me happy.  I don't need every girl I have ever cared for to be my braid-maid.  (Sorry girls)  Or that my family isn't close to certain people, doesn't mean I can't be.  I am 21 (almost!) and am choosing my future and my life.  I am doing things for me! I am so grateful for my family and parents to have raised me so well, and will continue to move on from here.  I realize my family isn't perfect, and neither am I.  But I don't want to settle for being unhappy or just middle, I am shooting for the stars.  I am going to be someone to remember, someone that God wants me to be.  Someone that really is close to perfect, because that is what we are all striving for, right?  I love learning everyday of my life! To keep bettering myself.  And where should I start?  Where my Uncle Michael says most people don't.  I need to put God first in my life.  That is where I am starting, from the very beginning! I love my Heavenly Father and He deserves more of my time and thought! Thank goodness for a patient God.  

It amazes me how everything falls into place....

God is real!!!! He lives!!! I have received my mission call!!! I have been called to serve in the Oklahoma Tulsa Mission and report June 6th!!! A day after I turn 21!!! I have literally less than 5 weeks to do everything for my mission! It is kind of crazy but I just LOVE it! In 7 weeks I will be out actually in Oklahoma! God knows me and that I am ready and don't like to wait. lol.  Everything just makes sense and is falling into place I love it!

Subbing for a Spanish Class

I went to bed yesterday at 8 pm because I knew today would be a busy day.  I am currently subbing for a Spanish class, they are watching a movie about the Mexican Drug War.  It is a charter school and there are only seven students at the most in the class and only 3 arrived.  As I sit here, I think about what school I want to send my kids and want to work with.  I want my students and children to like the school they are at and actually have it worth their time.  I want them to love to learn and feel good about what they are doing.  I used to not understand why my mom would get so upset when we would watch movies instead of learning in school and now it all makes sense.  The reason I liked movies during class was because I was exhausted from school and to be able to take a break was nice.  I wonder though, if instead of just having students aimlessly watching a movie, actually have them do something proactive.  I didn't realize how many schools are really not up to par, according to the school I went to especially.  Teachers who love what they teach and to love their students. The neat thing is I will be able to work for the school before my children go there, so I will know before my children if the education is worth it.  Education is important.  Especially since you spend average 13,112 hours of your life in school that is 18.2 months straight of school day and night.  If you spend that much in school, from 1st grade to 12 grade you want to make it worth your time. Don't you think?  

Im thinking of you

Thinking of you is a song by Katy Perry that I feel describes my feelings and thoughts so much right now.  No matter who I am with or what I am doing I can't stop thinking about Sam (names been changed).  I am in the exact city where met each other, starting dating, and fell in love.  Just driving down the streets brings back wonderful memories.  The sound of the train at midnight we would hear every night to tell us it was time to go to bed.  Or the perfume I recently bought, that I owned when we dated.  It doesn't feel right to be here without him.  No one really knows how much I think about him.  I simply put on a face and lie about it all.  Why?  Because I haven't talked to this man in over 30 months.  So now you think I'm crazy.  Why a girl like me still daily thinking about a guy I haven't talked to in over two years?  I didn't plan for me to start thinking about him more, it just kinda happened.  I have begged Heavenly Father to help me get him out of my head, but he seems to like the thought in my head.   I do understand I don't know the kid anymore and am not "in love" with him like I used to be.  I have to get to know him more and talk to him.   For some odd reason though all the signs seem to point to him.  Logically, emotionally, physically, spiritually it all makes sense. For a two year mission can only refine a man.  But I don't want to continue to think about him, it kills me to still be waiting and not knowing.  The thought of us working out completely terrifies me, while the thought of us not working out scares me.  I have loved Sam since I was 15.  He has always been there for me and my eternal best friend.  Thoughts of delaying even putting in my papers because I feel so sure about him.  But than again, I don't want to put my life on hold for someone that I haven't talked to in forever.  I do love him and hope he keeps his word when he told me.  "I will look you up when I get back".  I wish there was someway I could just get him out of my mind, he is not coming home for at least two to three months.  Or tell me the answer of what is going to happen between us.  I guess that is part of the fun, wondering and not knowing.  "Enjoy it", I tell myself.  Well until next time, my honest thoughts continue.  

Waking up feeling guilty

Have you ever had a dream where everything seemed to go wrong?  Where every time you woke up suddenly you went back to sleep hoping that your dream would change for the better, but it doesn't.  After doing that multiple times I finally decided to get up.  But because of that horrible sinful dream it has messed up this day.  I have had a cloud over it, what is this?  Why am I feeling like I did something terribly wrong was really it was just a dream.  Its not like I can control my actions in my sleep.  The worst part is I don't remember what I even did!  I am relieved though, that I have nothing I should be feeling bad about because it is the worst feeling to be guilty and knowing you did something bad.  And than thank goodness for the miracle of the atonement and being able to be forgiven!   

Talking to a hacker...

I was able to get onto facebook tonight, like normal people do.  I got an odd chat from someone I didn't really know and said "hey handsome :) " I was super confused because, one I am a girl and two I don't really know this person.  I found out quickly it was a 'hacker' and was trying to get me to tell them information and get me to click a link for a website.  Total scam and I was not buying it!  I kept telling the person, I'm not dumb and I know you hacked into my friend's account.  I than went about asking, why do you do this?  Why do you hack into people accounts?  I don't know if it was an actually person or computer and needless to say I didn't get a response.  Shocker there! 
But it did get me thinking, why do people do the things they do?  Especially people who don't do good or nice things? I really wish the hacker has responded to me, we could of had a great conversation about life and motivations.  I have thought about this a good amount the last two days of judgement with Christ at the last day.  And thank goodness we are able to have Jesus Christ be there to judge us because He knows how we were raised, brought up, and came to be.... us!  He is fair and just in his judgement and it gives me so much peace to know that.

Thinking too much

As I sit here thinking at 2 in the morning.  Which is always dangerous, I wonder what my life will hold and what I really want.  One of my best friends asked me last night out of everything in the world what do I really want.  I thought and it came to me quickly "I want everyone to love me".  I think that is why heaven just seems so appealing to me.  So here at 2 in the morning, what will life lead for me?  I have been living with my a friend who has been married for two years and I don't want her life in the future.  Is it just me, am I the one with the problem and over thinking?  I just have realized I live my life so different than everyone else I know, I love to be happy all the time and full of energy.  What really makes me happy?  Will I be able to find someone to spend the rest of my eternity with who will make happy and I make him happy?  What is happiness exactly?  What kind of guy do I need?  What kind of lifestyle do I need to have?  The married people I know, none of them seem to lead the life I want to lead.  I want to be someone, I want to go places, I want to make impact on people's life.  I want to be able to be happy the rest of my life.  What will it take to get there.  I have lived this far in my life and been so happy.  I was talking to Katherine yesterday and I told her I didn't understand why people can't be happy, but at the same time my life just might have been so wonderfully great.  Maybe I am in for an extremely rude awakening.  Why had my life decided to go so well,  why have I been so lucky to lead this.  Most people say in agony "why me"  and I say "why not me?"  Its not fair to other people, they are so much more deserving to have all the blessings and wonderful lifestyle I lead.  What can I do to ensure my happiness, to make sure no matter what happens I will somehow meet mr. perfect who together will grow old together.  Growing old together is something we don't hear very often and I want to be able to say that, but not because we stuck it out but because we couldn't picture being with anyone else.  I know the way we find true happiness is with Christ, but people with Christ are still not happy all the time and of course still go through hard times.  What can guarantee that I will pick mr. right and be able to not let him walk past me.   Not being in a relationship and not being with any guy or seeing a guy in the near future really brings to light how big of a deal marriage and commitment is.  I'm scared of getting married for a mixture of reasons. For the fact that I will end up with the wrong person.  Or I marry the right person and they walk out of my life for some reason.   Yes, every marriage has their issues and I understand that.  But if I am stuck living with someone I can barely stand and won't let me be ME and someone I have just grown to stand??  That does not sound like the marriage I want... again what will life give me?  What is going to happen in the next 5 or 10 years?